Episode 58: Noriutsuru

Thanks go to Filipino Weeaboo Crap (https://www.facebook.com/phweeaboos) for motivating me to write this episode.

WARNING: This episode may be the most satiric ever. I apologize in advance if I might be offending anyone by creating the most politically incorrect villains I’ve ever wrote.

Meanwhile, the N3 Collective has something in its sleeves.

This something is a huge, multi-paged document that contains the organization’s beliefs as well as its rules it is strictly laying down, all in the name of praising “glorious Nippon” and inspiring other people, especially who have at least an interest in Japanese culture, into being full-fledged weeaboos.

The title of the document is simply called “Noriutsuru”, and it is freely available for download at the N3 Collective’s website, which is in reality the Magdalo website after it is shut down by authorities immediately after the Manila Pen siege.

1. Glorious Nippon can do no wrong. No exceptions.
2. AmeriKKKa does everything wrong. No exceptions.
3. Everyone hates AmeriKKKa because it is occupying other countries, leeches them for oil, damages their cultures (espeically Glorious Nippon’s), and is making world conquest manifest via diabolical means.
4. We shall support any organization and country whose ulterior objective is to destroy America, including many Islamic freedom fighters such as al-Qaeda and ISIS as well as North Korea and Iran.
5. Seiyuu are always superior to those so-called AmeriKKKan “voice actors”. They shall be venerated as kami due to their godly talent that always gives us eargasms. All non-Japanese voice acting is done by interns, the director’s friends and family, and homeless people off the street. Those “voice actors” are all talentless and always rape our ears. In fact, they all should be 3DPD porn stars instead, since they are all made of AIDS and fail!
6. Power Rangers is just a mere bootleg of the original and superior Super Sentai. The greedy Jewish bastards who run Saban control Toei like puppets on a string. As pure tokusatsu fans, we shall free Toei from Jewish control!
7. Dub fans and Power Rangers fans are life unworthy of life. Those unbelievers in Japanese cultural superiority shall be punished with garments of fire, hooked iron rods, and boiling water. Melt their skin and bellies.
8. Any Nihonjin who dare stray from the path of pure Japanese living and culture shall be branded as traitors and infidels. Do not hanker for peace with them; behead them when you catch them.
9. We shall support the original Japanese creators and not “localizers” who are in reality butchers. Those “localizers” censor the pure and undistilled representation of Japanese culture that comprises of anime, manga, video games, and tokusatsu.
10. The inhuman crimes of the redneck niggas exclude AmeriKKKa from the civilized world.
11. The 9/11 “attack” is a hoax. The US military, the US federal government, the CIA, Israel, the Mossad, the Council on Foreign Relations, the Illuminati, reptilian humanoids, and all AmeriKKKan presidents living and dead all conspire to bring down the Twin Towers.
12. Filipino culture is dumb, corrupt, and dysfunctional. It can also corrupt others, especially the vulnerable of the ubermensch that is the Nihonjin. The country is beyond any form of saving.
13. Our organization shall be the only distributor of Japanese media in the soon-to-be-reformed Philippines. We will offer nothing but pure entertainment, with all the original intent of our brilliant Japanese creators, subtitled only and for free. We are an organization of true fans, for true fans, by true fans.
14. We shall convince by force Internet service providers the best and fastests speeds they can ever offer, in order for us to be easily enlightened by the glory that is Japanese creativity in their media that only we can offer. Maim and crucify infidels who do not believe in our one and only way to improve the absolutely horrible Internet speeds in this wretched country!
15. Our organization shall be the only bastion of intelligent thought that repudiates all forms of mediocrity and stupidity.
16. Do not destroy the unity of our organization even in terms of voting or otherwise because it involves an unforgivable sin that merits excommunication from our organization and even from this life.
17. Failipinos of the Failipenis are stupid; urge true otaku and true Nihonjin to fight them until they are devoid even of the tiniest atoms of hope.
18. Any term for us other than “otaku” and “true fans” is unacceptable. Those who even have a tiny spec of objection shall be executed gruesomely! Ten thousand times of that if the word “weeaboo” is uttered!
19. Crazy with fury, we shall stain our swords and rifles red while slaughtering any enemy that falls in our hands! Our nostrils dilate while savoring the acrid odor of gunpowder and blood. With the deaths of our enemies, we prepare our beings for the sacred fight and join the triumphant Nihonjin with a bestial howl!
20. Blind hate against the enemy creates a forceful impulse that cracks the boundaries of natural human limitations, transforming the soldier into an effective, selective, and cold killing machine. A people without hate cannot triumph against the adversary.
21. To send men to the firing squad, judicial proof is unnecessary… These procedures are an archaic Western imperialist detail. This is a revolution!
22. A revolutionary must become a cold killing machine motivated by pure hate. We must create the pedagogy of the Land of the Rising Sun!
23. We are not saviors or philanthropists, baka yarou, we are all the supreme of kami… We fight for the things we believe in, with all the weapons at our disposal and try to leave the lowlifes dead so that we don’t get nailed to a cross or any other place.
24. If any person has a good word for the old Philippines or even AmeriKKKa, that is good enough for us to have him shot.
25. We want the result of an eventual World War III to be an atomic war. What we affirm is that we must proceed along the path of liberation even if this costs millions of atomic victims. AmeriKKKa dropped two bombs on us; we will shower billions of them back! Yankee go home!
26. In fact, if Christ himself stood in my way, I, like Wakamoto, would not hesitate to squish him like a worm.
27. Let me say, at the risk of seeming ridiculous, that the true revolutionary is guided by great feelings of love. Love for perfect two dimensional girls and the glorious seiyuu they are voiced by, as well as attractive young male crossdressers.
28. It’s a sad thing not to have friends, but it is even sadder not to have enemies.
29. Being weird is normal. Being normal is weird.
30. We seiyuu worshippers demand an all-binding law requiring our female kami seiyuu to remain single and virginal. That law shall also prohibit them from any contact from filthy non-Nihonjin man-bear-pigs until they retire from the seiyuu industry.
31. Nihongo is the most beautiful and poetic of all the languages in the world. It should be the lingua franca of the world, not the substandard, dumbed-down English.
32. We language purists demand an all-binding law criminalizing the written, printed, and spoken forms of the word “dub”, unless that word is taken in a clearly negative conext subject to approval by us. Violators shall be shot again and again.
33. The glorious Nihonjin are putting the finishing touches on quantum chromodynamics while you Failipinos are still figuring out how to wipe your bottoms without getting dirty hands.
34. We encourage the killing of street maggots as one of the steps in our purification. We don’t care what happens to those lower-than-lowlifes.
35. Our massive intelligence network shall weed out undesirables from the Internet we desire, revealing their true identities and hunting them down like the prey that they are!
36. Those who doubt the superiority of the Nihonjin, both natural born and hopeful immigrants, will be sent to hell and remain there forever. Especially that ching-ching bitch who insists that the so-called “Nanking Massacre” happened; when in reality, it never happened!
37. The “final solution” to the question of Filipino cultural dysfunction is the utter annihilation of all things Filipino and the swift replacement of American cultural influences with Japanese ones via a swift occupation. This way, the “new” Philippines will be a 100% owned Japanese territory. That will also mark the start of the renewal of the Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere.

TRUE OTAKU OF THE WORLD, UNITE!
NIPPON BANZAI!

Besides the document, there is also another one simply titled “Order of Battle”. The document reads:

“YES WE CAN”
“A bullet a day keeps the life unworthy of life away”
“Defend Glorious Nippon. Banzai!”

“WANTED”
“Dead or Alive | For Crimes Against Glorious Nippon”

It is then followed by a long list of Filipino politicians (even the honest ones), all TV network executives (especially Gabby Lopez), bigwigs of Internet service providers, Filipino voice actors (especially Mike Punzalan), American voice actors (especially Steve Blum as well as those heavily involved in anime and Japanese-made video games), Filipino musicians (especially Daniel Padilla and Chicser), Haim Saban, every Power Rangers actor ever (especially Jason David Frank), and especially Davao Oriental Rep. Thelma Almario, for the “highest unpardonable and unbailable crime” of saying “I wish that in my lifetime we will have enough Filipinos so we can ‘Filipinize’ the whole world”.

Over the past few days since the publishing of those two documents on the N3 Collective’s website, authorities and honorable white-hat hackers have been trying to shut down the website to no avail.

Even worse, the website even has more content, with videos of live executions of suspected dub fans and Power Rangers fans, Japanese expats who are fans of Captain America, and even ordinary vagrants, street children, and homeless bums. The methods of execution are various: Islamic-style beheadings with katanas, riding-in-tandem shootings, extended periods of physical and emotional torture until the victim dies (and the corpse is then wrapped in plastic with a card saying “DUB FAN AKO. HUWAG TULARAN.” [“I’m a dub fan. Don’t emulate me.”]), getting drilled in the back by portable electric drills, being tied to a pole and then being shot by a bazooka or mortar until the victim is turned to fine dust, etc.

There is even a video that simply says in black-and-white text: “NUEVA LIGA FILIPINA… YOU’RE NEXT.”

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Stars Introduced So Far

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