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Archive for March, 2015

In memory of the fallen 44 members of the PNP Special Action Force, who deserve justice for their acts of bravery; and of Monty Oum, who never stopped being awesome until the bitter end.

Thanks go to anonymous users for contributing lots and lots of jokes concerning the Manila Pen siege.

The combined Nueva Liga Filipina and AFP forces try to break through the entrance to the Manila Peninsula, but they are greeted by a heavily barricaded and guarded wall.

Matthew Luke: What the heck?! Ano ba ito, Contra?!
Lt. Col. Juanon: Let us professionals handle this. Just watch.

Lt. Col. Juanon then summons an APC. Without any second thought, the childhood friends and the AFP contingent commander hop into the APC. The rest of the combined forces stay outside while the APC is being readied for a ramming attack.

With one powerful force, Lt. Col. Juanon steers the APC towards the fortified wall and rams it, destroying it along with its turrets and Magdalo soldiers who man it.

Lt. Col. Juanon: Now go, Nueva Liga Filipina. Kami na ang bahala rito sa labas. Go bring that scumbag Trillanes to justice. And remember, hindi natin ginagawa ito para kay Gloria. We’re doing it to bring much-needed sanity to this nation that is in the danger of rotting.
Matthew Luke: (salutes) Yes, sir. I, and the rest of the Nueva Liga Filipina, are proud to have fought alongside you.
Lt. Col. Juanon: Save the formalities for later. Huff it!

And with that, the Nueva Liga Filipina formally enters the interior of the occupied hotel.

Meanwhile, Ces Orena-Drilon sneaks inside the Manila Pen for a nice, hot, juicy interview with the Magdalo big boss himself. She apparently was able to slip in during the long and hard strategic battle outside the hotel.

She didn’t know beforehand that Trillanes had his optical camouflage activated; and when she learned that he did, she resorted to using a special pair of glasses that can temporarily dispel optical camouflages from the wearer’s POV.

Trillanes: At least we’re still successful! We accomplished what we came here to do…
Ces: You demanded that President Gloria resign… but she’s still in power!
Trillanes: Yes, but then at least the people can now see the extent to which this administration is willing to go just to stay in power…
Ces: The people? Where are the people? You asked the people to join you but the people did not come…
Trillanes: Yes, they did!
Ces: Where? Where are they? We don’t see them… are they outside the hotel?
Trillanes: No, they’re here… they’re around…
Fr. Robert Reyes: I’m a volunteer, I came…
Bibeth Orteza: I came too…
Atty. Argee Guevarra: Me too…
Trillanes: See, a lot of them came…
Ces: Oh… =(
Trillanes: Now go. This interview is over.
Ces: Y-Yes, sir.

Once Ces leaves, Trillanes unleashes another barrage of swear words when he realizes that she has blown his cover — in terms of the supposedly “many” people who came to sympathize with him and his group’s cause.

Fr. Robert Reyes: Nagmumura ka na naman. Sa harap pa naman ng isang alagad ng simbahan!
Trillanes: I told Ces na dapat nagpakita siya nang mas maaga pa para di tayo mabisto! Has she lost her touch?
Bibeth Orteza: And how about you, Teofisto Guingona? Bakit ka sumama sa amin in the first place?
Teofisto Guingona: I’m just exercising my RIGHT!!! My right to exercise! Walking to the Manila Pen is a good workout, good for your health, stuff like that.
Bibeth Orteza: Any more reasons?
Teofisto Guingona: Uh… to be honest… I don’t know it was a coup attempt, hinde ko nga narinig speech ni Lim, eh. Basta ako… sama-sama lang kung saan maraming tao.
Brig. Gen. Danilo Lim: You laughing joking numbnut. Akala ko sinsero ka sa ipinaglalaban ni big boss?
Teofisto Guingona: OK… mananahimik na lang ako.

Just then, another member of the media sneaks in and tries to interview Bibeth.

Media Person: Bibeth, Bibeth! Bakit ka sumama kay Trillanes sa rebelyon ngayon?
Bibeth Orteza: Ah??!! Rebelyon ba dito??!! Akala ko may shooting ng pelikula!
Atty. Argee Guevarra: Grr! Bakit ang daming media rito? Hayan tuloy, nabibisto na naman tayo!
Brig. Gen. Danilo Lim: Well, anybody can bring his/her own DSLR, fake a press ID, and then call himself/herself a mediaman.
Trillanes: Listen! Everyone! Dapat palayasin lahat ng mga media rito! They might be agents of that Nueva Liga Filipina kuno! Except for ABS-CBN, of course.
Brig. Gen. Danilo Lim: As you wish, my master.

With his booming voice, the brigadier general instantly evicts all non-ABS-CBN mediamen from The Rizal Boardroom, where the entire Magdalo top brass is serving as their base.

Trillanes: Ngayong pinalayas natin yung mga media kuno, dapat paigtingin natin ang mga depensa natin! All soldiers who are loyal to us, do everything you can to keep those trespassers out! I don’t care if you have to resort to evil magic or whatever; just do something para malipol ang mga galamay ni Gloria! This is an order! Understood?
Magdalo Soldiers: Sir, yes, sir!

Back to the Nueva Liga Filipina, which has just entered the lobby of the hotel.

Matthew Luke: To be honest, hindi pa ako nakapasok sa isang five-star hotel dati. But seeing the atmosphere…
Hyacinth: Para na itong war zone. It’ll take a great effort bago manumbalik ang dating ganda ng Manila Pen.
Matthew Luke: How far you will go just to achieve your petty ambitions, Trillanes?

(Dungeon portion: To hunt down Trillanes and company, the party has to search every nook and cranny of the hotel. Recommended dungeon BGM: “At Doom’s Gate” [Episode 1 Map 1] from Doom.)

The party first heads to The Rigodon Ballroom. They conspicuously search the room for any signs of activity, until they chance upon a piece of paper. The paper reads:

Announcement: We will be holding a meeting together with the owners of five-star hotels in Makati.

Agenda: Next five-star hotel to be besieged.

Exemption: The five-star hotel that can give us 10 million pesos or more will be spared.

Below the announcement memo, the party finds a keycard.

You got: Red Keycard!

A red keycard that can be inserted into a control panel.

Matthew Luke: Ano ba ito, Doom?!

Next, the party goes for the Garcia Villa, Balagtas & Balmori function room.

They both find Ricky Reyes and Carmen Pedrosa hiding underneath a cloth-draped table.

Ricky Reyes: Excuse me? Di ba kayo taga-Magdalo?
Matthew Luke: Isn’t it obvious? Wala kaming mga armband na may taglay na simbolo ng Magdalo.
Carmen Pedrosa: And why would we ever doubt you? Unless you are using a disguise spell, and I believe you are not, kayo yung mga taga-Nueva Liga Filipina, di ba? Matthew Luke Laonglaan and Hyacinth Monterola.
Hyacinth: No doubt, it’s us! Pero bakit kayo nagtatago rito sa Manila Pen, eh sumugod nga yung Magdalo rito?
Ricky Reyes: Actually, magkaiba yung mga misyon namin. But by sheer coincidence, nagsama kami ni Madam Carmen noong umatake yung Magdalo. Mag-me-meeting ako sana sa mga stylists ng Emphasis Salon to lead a training seminar.
Carmen Pedrosa: Ako naman, I want to smack that douchebag Trillanes for selling out his soul to the Aquinos and treating President Arroyo like she’s the most evil overlord the Philippines has ever had. Gusto ko sanang sumulat ng expose tungkol sa kanya about several morally reprehensible acts of his tulad ng walang-patid na paninira niya sa mga personalidad na kilalang malapit kay Arroyo, his purchase of overpriced multicabs where he allegedly had a 250 million peso kickback, yung pagsasawsaw niya sa mga backroom deals with China, his “anti-gay” Senate Bill 3133, his possession of an exclusive mansion and several cars back when he was a lieutenant, at ang malisyosong relasyon niya kay Jamby Madrigal. But then, those Magdalo scumbags arrested me and detained me in this room, hanggang sa sumugod ang buong pwersa niyo at nabaling ang atensyon nila sa buong Nueva Liga Filipina.
Ricky Reyes: Hanga naman ako sa tapang niyo, Madam Carmen.
Carmen Pedrosa: Of course, Madam Ricky. This country has been polluted by lies, and by joining the Nueva Liga Filipina, I want to undo the lies that are being peddled by the Aquino-Cojuangcos, especially the current lie that Noynoy Aquino is “the one”. At siya nga pala, I also have a bone to pick against Conrado de Quiros and Ellen Tordesillas. They always get on my nerves by trolling me with their own articles.
Ricky Reyes: Ako naman, simple naman ang misyon ko. Gusto kong lalong gumanda ang buong pwersa ng Nueva Liga Filipina upang mapataas ang morale nila.
Matthew Luke: You’re always welcome sa samahan namin. Congratulations. From now on, we’re full-time allies.

And thus, Ricky Reyes and Carmen Pedrosa are officially drafted into the Nueva Liga Filipina. Ricky Reyes will serve as the army’s stylist and official bearer of the red rose. Carmen Pedrosa will serve as the army’s journalist and thus will lend a huge hand in enhancing the army’s official blog and combating trolls.

Next, the party heads for the generically-named The Lounge. Two Magdalo soldiers are spotted.

Magdalo Soldier A: Achtung!
Magdalo Soldier B: Schutzstaffel!
Matthew Luke: Ano ba ito, Wolfenstein 3D?!

After the party easily defeats the soldiers…

Magdalo Soldier B: Mein leben! (passes out)

The two Magdalo soldiers drop a blue card.

You got: Blue Keycard!

A blue keycard that can be inserted into a control panel.

Next, the party goes to The Conservatory.

There, they find a lawyer arranging her papers, a woman in a traditional Korean dress sorting some herbs, and a man who looks like former president Joseph Estrada… but is actually not him.

The party does not want to disturb the three, even though the outside of the function room is still as chaotic as ever.

Erap Look-alike: Uhm, excuse me? Bakit kayo nakatunganga dito? Did you know that we are minding our own businesses?
Korean girl: Sandali lang… nakikita ko ang aura nila… parang meron silang relasyon sa isa kong kababayan, si Sandara Park.
Lawyer: Oh, hindi nagsisinungaling ang mga mata ko! Sila nga ang mga kasapi ng Nueva Liga Filipina!

And thus, the party is greeted by the three persons: Atty. Persida Acosta, seasoned lawyer and head of the Public Attorney’s Office; Seo Jang Geum, a Korean woman who is renowned for her cooking skills and knowledge in herbal medicine; and Willie Nepomuceno, one of the country’s best-known impersonators.

Jang Geum: Siguro na nakatadhana na tayo’y magkikita. Ewan ko ba, isang araw sa palasyo ay may lumitaw na daanan na hindi ko nakita dati. Tapos, napadpad ako sa isang malayong lugar. Naglibot-libot ako sa lugar na iyon, tinatanong kung nasaan ba talaga ako. Buti na lang, merong isang grupo ng mga Koreano na nagpaliwanag na nasa bansang Pilipinas ako, sa ika-21 siglo. Nagpaliwanag din sila na kailangan ng Pilipinas ang isang eksperto sa pagkain at gamot ng mga Koreano, dahil nakatadhana raw ito sa aking mga palad. Pumayag naman ako, dahil kung makukumpleto ko ang misyong ito, makakabalik ako sa palasyo.
Atty. Acosta: Magaling, Jang Geum. Dahil sa iyong bigay na tsaa, palaging kalmado ang isip naming tatlo, kahit na merong nangyayaring komosyon sa labas ng kwartong ito. Ako naman, balita ko ay meron kayong malaking espasyo sa Balay Kapatiran na di pa nagagamit. Dahil sa santambak na mga kasong ligal na tinatanggap ng PAO araw-araw, hindi kaya ng opisina namin ang bigat ng trabaho ko at ng mga kapwa kong abogado de kampanilya. Kung mamarapatin ay pwede kayong mag-setup ng isang satellite office ng PAO sa inyong HQ kapalit ng pagsali ko sa Nueva Liga Filipina. At siyempre, makakaasa kayo na tutulungan ko kayo sa mga usaping ligal.
Matthew Luke: Salamat po, Attorney. Payag ako sa suggestion ninyo.
Hyacinth: Kung pwede ay magbibigay si Jang Geum ng libreng pagkain sa mga taong nangangailangan ng tulong ligal.
Jang Geum: Salamat naman. Siguro naman ay meron kayong ibang mga tagaluto sa palasyo ninyo, hindi ba?
Hyacinth: Opo. Isa si Kazuma Azuma. Bihsa siya sa mga tinapay. Isa naman si Milfeulle Sakuraba. Mahilig siya sa mga cake.
Jang Geum: Cake? Ano iyon?
Matthew Luke: Isa itong matamis na pagkain na gawa sa arina, itlog, at iba pang sangkap.
Jang Geum: Mukhang meron akong dapat matutunan sa ika-21 siglong pagkain.
Hyacinth: Kering-keri na namin ito. Huwag kayong mag-alala.
Willie Nep: Ahem, ahem. Mukhang nakalimutan ninyo ako.
Matthew Luke: S-Sorry po, Mr. Nep.
Willie Nep: (imitating Panfilo Lacson) Hoy! Mukhang ipinagkakamalan mo akong si Neptune, a.k.a. Purple Heart!? Hindi ako tumitikim ng kinse anyos, di tulad ng Napoleon VSOP brandy na aking ipino-promote!
Matthew Luke: S-Sorry po uli.
Willie Nep: Nakakahiyang salita! Bawal!
Hyacinth: Ehh??!!
Jang Geum: Naku, naku.
Willie Nep: OK, I’d better stop it now. (imitates Fidel Ramos) First of all, mga kababayan ko, kaya ko planong sumali sa Nueva Liga Filipina ay gusto kong gayahin ang ilang mga kasapi ninyo. (switches to normal voice) Of course, I want to give everyone in your army some good laughs.
Matthew Luke: Alright. From now on, kayong tatlo ay pormal na miyembro ng Nueva Liga Filipina. Welcome to the club.

And thus, Atty. Persida Acosta, Seo Jang Geum, and Willie Nepomuceno are officially drafted into the Nueva Liga Filipina. Atty. Persida Acosta will serve as the army’s official lawyer on top of her duty as PAO chief; Seo Jang Geum will serve as the army’s head cook, supervising Milfeulle and Kazuma; and Willie Nepomuceno will serve as the army’s comedian/impersonator.

Meanwhile, outside the Manila Pen…

Media Person: Bakit ka nandito sa Makati? Suporta ba ang ginagawa mong pagra-rally para kay Trillanes?
Rallyist: Ah.. ehhh… sabi kasi nila may bayad ng P200 pag pumunta ako ng Makati. Kaya pumunta ako rito!

Now, back inside the Manila Pen.

The party heads for the Reyes function room. In this room where a maximum of 20 persons can fit in, the childhood friends find a piece of paper on top of one of the tables. The paper reads:

Top 10 Reasons Why We Chose the Manila Pen

1. The hotel has an invitation for wedding receptions.
2. The Pen has the best buffet in town.
3. We thought The Pen’s doors are APC-proof. Good thing we took a page from Red Falcon and reinforced the doors.
4. The hotel has a 6-hour free accommodation gift certificate.
5. We want to know if The Manila Peninsula and The Peninsula Manila are one and the same. The answer should be obvious.
6. We want to watch The Pen’s Christmas tree lighting.
7. There’s free hair gel at The Peninsula’s hair salon (Emphasis) for me; fully equipped exercise room for Guingona, Labayen, and Nemenzo; and a brand-new, top-of-the-line treadmill for the “Running Priest”, Robert Reyes.
8. The lobby of The Pen is better looking than Oakwood’s.
9. Other hotels in the Makati area are fully booked as of this writing.
10. My PEN is mightier than Esperon’s and Barias’ swords. Just you wait, Gloria’s lapdogs!

While on their way to the next function room, the party encounters a group of friendly soldiers.

Friendly Soldier: Diaper Squad lang po. Sino po sa inyo ang naihi sa takot? Taas lang po ng kamay.
Matthew Luke: …
Hyacinth: …
Friendly Soldier: Uhm… mukhang hindi ninyo kailangan ang tulong namin. Sige, mauuna na kami.

The so-called Diaper Squad then leaves for another part of the Pen. The squad’s real mission is to rescue still-trapped persons who may have peed in their pants in fear.

Hyacinth: …I respect the AFP more dahil sa mga sundalong iyon.

The next destination of the party: the Recto function room. The party finds yet another piece of paper.

Top Ten Reasons Why We Should Have Gone To Victoria Court Instead of The Pen

1. We were only gonna stay for a “short time”, anyway.
2. Bishop Julio Labayen & Fr. Robert Reyes could have heard confessions — lots of sinners there!
3. We could have wet the towels in the jacuzzi to combat tear gas — while being wrapped in towels (some horny fangirls will write disgusting homo smut of us).
4. There are no wedding receptions in Victoria Court — only honeymoons.
5. The police will think twice before lobbing tear gas ’cause their officers may be there.
6. APCs and tanks won’t know which garage to park in.
7. The ceiling mirrors would have thrown off any raiding parties, especially the goddamn Nueva Liga Filipina.
8. ABS-CBN could have done an episode of XXX and The Buzz while covering the coup.
9. “What happens in Victoria Court stays in Victoria Court.”
10. It’s a better place to get screwed… if you know what we mean.

Next stop: the Joaquin function room. And as you may have guessed, the party finds yet another piece of paper.

Top Ten Reasons Why We Should Pack Up ASAP

1. Not even our mothers join us.
2. Oakwood has a better lobby.
3. CNN is not here to cover our uprising.
4. The hotel runs out of ice cubes.
5. The APCs and tanks are parked in the lobby and not the parking lot.
6. Being teargassed should not be part of my mandate as future senator and president.
7. Guingona thinks our uprising is an anti-Erap, or pro-Erap pardon rally, whatever…
8. Surrender’s better than the company of Father Robert Reyes. He just can’t endure my sailor’s mouth.
9. People are crying not because of the tear gas, but because of me? They watch too much soap operas.
10. Even the motherf***ing GMA is beginning to look better the longer we stay.

The next destination of the party is the Guerrero function room.

The party encounters a Magdalo soldier who is obviously summoning otherworldly monsters.

Magdalo Soldier: Ang na ang na… su la ki hin… su mas ki dot… mo ko mo ko…
Matthew Luke: Ano na namang klaseng salamangka ito?!
Magdalo Soldier: Ahaha! Kayong mga retarded na mga bayaran ni Pandak talaga! Kung ako ang huhuli sa inyo, malaki-laki na ang magiging pabuya ko galing sa aking amo!

A BATTLE COMMENCES!

Allies: Anyone who took part in the previous strategy battle
Enemies: Magdalo Ravager, Tutubing Kalabaw x4

Matthew Luke chooses to do a cooperative attack with Hyacinth named “Osananajimi”. That attack deals 10 hits and 1553 damage to Magdalo Ravager. Magdalo Ravager is KO’d.
Jeremy chooses to defend.
James chooses to defend.
Ya Chang chooses to defend.
Nikki chooses to cast Spirit Sign: Fantasy Seal on all enemies. She deals 1357 damage to each enemy. All enemies are KO’d.

BATTLE WON!

The defeated Magdalo soldier drops yet another keycard.

You got: Yellow Keycard!

A yellow keycard that can be inserted into a control panel.

The Nolledo function room is where the party heads off next.

There, 50 million pesos’ worth of cooked premium pork liempo can be seen decorating the room’s only table. Besides the huge tray where the liempo is served is a small note:

“Hindi ako susuko ng pagkain ng baboy. DAP-at lang.”

Hyacinth: 50 million pesos?! Hindi dapat nakahain dito iyan, no? Dapat ipamigay iyan ASAP sa mga nagugutom — pwera na lang sa mga may sakit sa puso at sa mga Muslim.

The party heads next towards the Hernandez function room.

On one of the circular tables sits a fragrant stationery with fancy handwriting. The note reads:

Step #1 on the Bayaran/Trolling Playbook: Fool people into thinking that you are smart and you have principles.
Step #2: Accuse your critics that they are actually the paid hacks.

Matthew Luke: Those Magdalo trolls… sino nga ba ang mga backer nila at itinatrato nila bilang full-time job ang pagto-troll sa aming blog at sa iba pang mga sites na kontra-Magdalo? Even worse, ang sweldo sa pagto-troll ay katumbas ng isang entry-level job sa isang call center!

The Sionil Jose function room is the next stop of the party.

A group of 30 hostages huddle under the tables, mostly mediamen caught in the crossfire. Using a megaphone, Hyacinth calls the hostages.

Hyacinth: Excuse me, kami ang Nueva Liga Filipina. Ililigtas namin kayo. Di namin kayo sasaktan.

The hostages, upon seeing the party, get out of the tables safely.

Media Person: Salamat naman at dumating kayo. Kung hindi dahil sa inyo, malamang ay trapped na kami rito forever. Sa labas, merong mga sundalo na laging alerto sa mga hostages na katulad namin na magtatangkang tumakas. At dito sa loob, merong anti-teleportation force field na pinapawalang-bisa ang mga teleportation at escape spells at items. Heto nga, itong mga Teleport Crystal na hawak namin, waepek.

Pointing to a strange contraption hidden beneath a mirror, Matthew Luke says…

Matthew Luke: Iyan ba ang hinahanap n’yo?

He then proceeds to destroy the contraption that generates the anti-teleportation force field with his short sword.

Media Person: Wow! Salamat uli sa tulong ninyo. Dahil sa takot, hindi namin namalayan na meron palang sikreto ang kwartong ito. O paano na, mauuna na kami.
Matthew Luke & Hyacinth: You’re all welcome.

With a Teleport Crystal in each hand, all 30 hostages shout…

The 30 hostages: Teleport, Glorietta!

And they are all gone in a flash.

Finally, the Benitez function room is the room to check for signs of hostile enemies, useful documents, or cowering hostages.

There, the party finds a treasure chest containing the following:
1. A chainsaw
2. A pistol
3. A double-barreled shotgun
4. A chaingun
5. A rocket launcher
6. A plasma rifle
7. The BFG-9000
8. A bag full of ammo (bullets, shells, rockets, energy cells)

Matthew Luke: Takers keepers. Their loss, our gain.

You got: Box of Weapons!

A treasure chest full of anti-demon weaponry.

Now that all the function rooms save for The Rizal Boardroom are thoroughly checked, the Nueva Liga Filipina has no time to waste to bring Trillanes and co. to justice.

Once the party flocks to The Rizal Boardroom, they immediately tap all three cards on the door’s electronic lock.

The lock is deactivated, and the door is finally open.

The Rizal Boardroom only contains the following: Bibeth Orteza, Atty. Argee Guevarra, Bishop Julio Labayen, Fr. Robert Reyes, Bishop Antonio Tobias, Jimmy Regalario of the Kilusang Makabansang Ekonomiya, and former University of the Philippines president Francisco Nemenzo. No signs of the “big three” — Trillanes, Guingona, and Lim — can be found.

Those persons can only stand and stay silent as the party nonchalantly deactivates the central control panel that powers the optical camouflage.

As the party leaves The Rizal Boardroom to finally track down the “big three”, Francisco Nemenzo stares at the party with a menacing glare without them knowing it.

Francisco Nemenzo: (whispers) Meron din kayong araw, mga Pinoy kuno. Meron din kayong araw.

After leaving The Rizal Boardroom, the party finally detects the uncloaked Trillanes and company running towards the lobby.

Matthew Luke: Ayan sila! Time to catch the big fish!

Outside, the AFP is ready to blockade the Pen’s front gate, knowing they have spotted the NLF chasing after their common HVTs.

Eventually, both the AFP and the NLF have the “big three” cornered.

Matthew Luke: You thought you’re outsmarting us with your antics, Troll-anes?
Hyacinth: At dala-dala mo pa sina Guingona at Lim. Are you playing buddy-buddy with them, huh?
Trillanes: (a la Iori Yagami) Hm hm hm hm… ha ha ha ha… hahahahahaha… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Halatang bayaran ng kurakot at mapangabusong Gloria Labandera etong Nueva Liga Filipina kuno na puro papuri kay Gloria at pang-iinsulto sa mga tunay na Pilipino at kay Susunod na Pangulong Aquino.
Hyacinth: Hindi nga naiiba ang tono mo, huh?
Teofisto Guingona: Si Kagalang-galang na Susunod na Pangulong Aquino ay ang magiging tunay na pinakadakila na pangulo sa kasaysayan ng Pilipinas at tunay na magpapayaman at magpapaunlad sa bansa…
Brig. Gen. Danilo Lim: …kaya tayo ay magiging mayaman at unti-unting mawawala at magpapakulong sa lahat ng kurakot sa pamahalaan.
Matthew Luke: Ugh. Just ugh. That hatred of Arroyo’s spreading like a virus, alright. No matter what you or your supposed “allies” say, it will always backfire. By the way, how much do you earn while smoking your future president’s weed? TROLL HARDER!
Trillanes: Talagang gusto ninyong mamatay, ha? Sige lang… kapag pinatay ko kayong lahat, ito na ang magiging simula ng isang BAGONG REBOLUSYON! Guingona! Lim! Draw out your weapons!

Guingona draws two sharp monster claws that grow from his arms, while Lim materializes a metal backpack out of thin air.

Finally, Trillanes brings out his concealable handgun, which is a modified Smith & Wesson Model 500, and aims it at the party as the inevitable boss battle commences.

 photo snw_bossbatt28.jpg

A BOSS BATTLE COMMENCES!

Allies: Anyone who took part in the previous strategy battle
Enemies: Teofisto Guingona (HP: 22,262); Antonio Trillanes IV (HP: 29,122); Danilo Lim (HP: 35,805)

Teofisto Guingona’s attacks:
1. Poisonous Lightning Claw — regular physical/thunder attack vs. 1 enemy; inflicts Poison
2. Poisonous Frost Claw — regular physical/ice attack vs. 1 enemy; inflicts Poison
3. Mephisto’s Hatred — His “Mystic Arte”. He brings out the power of the Lord of Hatred to deal thunder/ice/dark-elemental damage to all enemies.

Antonio Trillanes IV’s attacks:
1. Five Shots — regular long-ranged 5-hit physical attack vs. 1 enemy
2. Lightning Tiger Blade — regular 7-hit physical/thunder attack vs. 1 enemy; may Stun the enemy
3. Expendable Honor — His “Mystic Arte”. He brings out several sword slashes and some shots from his handgun to deal 4 hits of severe physical damage to an enemy.

Danilo Lim’s attacks:
1. Pencil of Doom — regular long-ranged physical/fire attack vs. 1 enemy
2. Genbu Protection — bestow complete immunity to all attacks to self in one turn
3. Katyusha Stream — His “Mystic Arte”. His metal backpack launches several miniature Katyusha rockets that are rained down upon all enemies. All enemies suffer non-elemental damage.

Matthew Luke chooses to transform into the Third Blessed Being, Kazuki Sendoh.

Voice of Matthew Luke’s wristband: Standing by.
Matthew Luke: Protagonist Change!
Voice of Matthew Luke’s wristband: Complete.

Transformation complete.
Matthew Luke chooses to cast Mighty Pen on Teofisto Guingona. That attack deals 2455 damage to Teofisto Guingona. A critical hit!
Hyacinth chooses to transform into the Third Blessed Being, Flonne.

Voice of Hyacinth’s wristband: Standing by.
Hyacinth: Heroine Change!
Voice of Hyacinth’s wristband: Complete.

Transformation complete.
Hyacinth chooses to attack Teofisto Guingona. She deals 757 damage to Teofisto Guingona.
Jeremy chooses to cast Seiyuu Shoukan: Tomokazu Sugita on Teofisto Guingona.

Jeremy: (while revving the throttle part of the BraceThrottle) BraceThrottle! Seiyuu Shoukan: Tomokazu Sugita!

Holograms of Kyon, Kivat-Bat the III, and Kamen Rider Strike appear and begin their blitzkrieg on Teofisto Guingona. They all deal 1701 damage to Teofisto Guingona.
James chooses to cast Windmill Dunk on Teofisto Guingona. That attack deals 1654 damage to Teofisto Guingona.
Ya Chang chooses to cast Shoryuken [Rising Dragon Sword] on Teofisto Guingona. That attack deals 2414 damage to Teofisto Guingona. A critical hit!
Nikki chooses to cast Spirit Sign: Fantasy Seal on all enemies. She deals 1431 damage to all enemies.
Teofisto Guingona chooses to cast Poisonous Lightning Claw on Ya Chang. That attack deals 302 damage to Ya Chang. But Ya Chang is not Poisoned!
Antonio Trillanes IV chooses to cast Five Shots on Nikki. That attack deals 5 hits and 302 damage to Nikki.
Danilo Lim chooses to cast Pencil of Doom on James. That attack deals 333 damage to James.
Matthew Luke chooses to cast Mighty Pen on Teofisto Guingona. That attack deals 2029 damage to Teofisto Guingona.
Hyacinth chooses to cast Power of Love on all allies. All allies’ HP’s are restored to full.
Jeremy chooses to cast Seiyuu Shoukan: Yui Horie on Teofisto Guingona.

Jeremy: (while revving the throttle part of the BraceThrottle) BraceThrottle! Seiyuu Shoukan: Yui Horie!

Holograms of Minori Kushieda, Eri Sawachika, and Naru Narusegawa appear and singlehandedly beat up Teofisto Guingona. That attack deals 2923 damage to Teofisto Guingona. A critical hit!
James chooses to cast Upside-Down Dunk on Teofisto Guingona. That attack deals 2380 damage to Teofisto Guingona. A critical hit! But Teofisto Guingona is not Confused!
Ya Chang chooses to cast Hadouken [Wave Motion Sword] on Danilo Lim. That attack deals 2088 damage to Danilo Lim. A critical hit!
Nikki chooses to cast Dream Sign: Evil Sealing Circle on all enemies. That attack deals 1560 damage to all enemies.
Teofisto Guingona chooses to cast Poisonous Frost Claw on Matthew Luke. That attack deals 392 damage to Matthew Luke. But Matthew Luke is not Poisoned!
Antonio Trillanes IV chooses to cast Lightning Tiger Blade on Hyacinth. That attack deals 7 hits and 464 damage to Hyacinth. But Hyacinth is not Stunned!
Danilo Lim chooses to cast Genbu Protection on himself. All attacks directed on him will be completely ineffective within one turn.
Matthew Luke chooses to cast Mighty Pen on Antonio Trillanes IV. That attack deals 2570 damage to Antonio Trillanes IV. A critical hit!
Hyacinth chooses to cast Power of Love on all allies. All allies’ HP’s are restored to full.
Jeremy chooses to cast Seiyuu Shoukan: Yui Horie on Antonio Trillanes IV.

Jeremy: (while revving the throttle part of the BraceThrottle) BraceThrottle! Seiyuu Shoukan: Yui Horie!

Holograms of Minori Kushieda, Eri Sawachika, and Naru Narusegawa appear and singlehandedly beat up Antonio Trillanes IV. That attack deals 1412 damage to Antonio Trillanes IV.
James chooses to cast Windmill Dunk on Antonio Trillanes IV. That attack deals 1605 damage to Antonio Trillanes IV.
Ya Chang chooses to cast Hadouken [Wave Motion Sword] on Antonio Trillanes IV. That attack deals 2077 damage to Antonio Trillanes IV.
Nikki chooses to cast Spirit Sign: Fantasy Seal on all enemies. She deals 1045 damage each to Teofisto Guingona and Antonio Trillanes IV. Danilo Lim takes 0 damage.
Teofisto Guingona chooses to cast Mephisto’s Hatred on all allies.

Teofisto Guingona: Prepare for the worst case scenario, Gloria fanatics! Mephisto’s Hatred!

Imbued with the power of the Lord of Hatred, Teofisto Guingona unloads his claws for an all-out attack. That attack deals 300 damage to all allies.
Antonio Trillanes IV chooses to cast Expendable Honor on James.

Antonio Trillanes IV: Your blood — and Arroyo’s — shall water a brand-new country! Expendable Honor!

After jumping towards mid-air, he fires two shots at the target. He then furiously descends towards the target for a powerful 2-stage slash. That attack deals 300 damage to James.
Danilo Lim chooses to cast Katyusha Stream on all allies.

Danilo Lim: Brace yourselves for the deadliest implosion, Arroyo retards! Katyusha Stream!

He brings out a remote and pushes its only button, which reveals several miniature Katyusha rockets that are hidden in his metal backpack. The rockets are launched and then rained down on all allies. That attack deals 300 damage to all allies. All allies are now in critical condition.
Matthew Luke chooses to use Pito-Pito Herbal Tea on all allies. All allies’ HPs are restored to full. All allies are no longer in critical condition.
Hyacinth casts Flonne’s Exceed Charge, Divine Ray.

Hyacinth: Lord, give us the strength of heavenly love to banish evil! DIVINE RAY!

That attack deals 7 hits and 4642 damage to all enemies. Teofisto Guingona is KO’d.

Teofisto Guingona: My hatred… was nothing…?

Jeremy chooses to cast Seiyuu Shoukan: Tomokazu Sugita on Danilo Lim.

Jeremy: (while revving the throttle part of the BraceThrottle) BraceThrottle! Seiyuu Shoukan: Tomokazu Sugita!

Holograms of Kyon, Kivat-Bat the III, and Kamen Rider Strike appear and begin their blitzkrieg on Danilo Lim. They all deal 2728 damage to Danilo Lim. A critical hit!
James chooses to cast Windmill Dunk on Danilo Lim. That attack deals 2269 damage to Danilo Lim. A critical hit!
Ya Chang chooses to cast Shoryuken [Rising Dragon Sword] on Danilo Lim. That attack deals 2466 damage to Danilo Lim. A critical hit!
Nikki chooses to cast Dream Sign: Evil Sealing Circle on all enemies. That attack deals 2144 damage to all enemies. A critical hit!
Antonio Trillanes IV chooses to cast Five Shots on Hyacinth. That attack deals 5 hits and 362 damage to Hyacinth.
Danilo Lim chooses to cast Pencil of Doom on Ya Chang. That attack deals 318 damage to Ya Chang.
Matthew Luke chooses to cast Mighty Pen on Danilo Lim. That attack deals 2547 damage to Danilo Lim. A critical hit!
Hyacinth chooses to cast Power of Love on all allies. All allies’ HP’s are restored to full.
Jeremy chooses to cast Seiyuu Shoukan: Tomokazu Sugita on Danilo Lim.

Jeremy: (while revving the throttle part of the BraceThrottle) BraceThrottle! Seiyuu Shoukan: Tomokazu Sugita!

Holograms of Kyon, Kivat-Bat the III, and Kamen Rider Strike appear and begin their blitzkrieg on Danilo Lim. They all deal 1747 damage to Danilo Lim.
James chooses to cast Upside-Down Dunk on Danilo Lim. That attack deals 1923 damage to Danilo Lim. But Danilo Lim is not Confused!
Ya Chang chooses to cast Hadouken [Wave Motion Sword] on Antonio Trillanes IV. That attack deals 2111 damage to Antonio Trillanes IV.
Nikki chooses to cast Spirit Sign: Fantasy Seal on all enemies. She deals 1995 damage to all enemies. A critical hit!
Antonio Trillanes IV chooses to cast Lightning Tiger Blade on Matthew Luke. That attack deals 7 hits and 405 damage to Matthew Luke. But Matthew Luke is not Stunned!
Danilo Lim chooses to cast Genbu Protection on himself. All attacks directed on him will be completely ineffective within one turn.
Matthew Luke chooses to use a Blue Potion on Jeremy. Jeremy’s MP has been restored to full.
Hyacinth chooses to cast Power of Love on all allies. All allies’ HP’s are restored to full.
Jeremy chooses to use a Blue Potion on Hyacinth. Hyacinth’s MP has been restored to full.
James chooses to use a Blue Potion on himself. James’s MP has been restored to full.
Ya Chang chooses to use a Blue Potion on himself. Ya Chang’s MP has been restored to full.
Nikki chooses to use a Blue Potion on herself. Nikki’s MP has been restored to full.
Antonio Trillanes IV chooses to cast Expendable Honor on Matthew Luke.

Antonio Trillanes IV: Your blood — and Arroyo’s — shall water a brand-new country! Expendable Honor!

After jumping towards mid-air, he fires two shots at the target. He then furiously descends towards the target for a powerful 2-stage slash. That attack deals 312 damage to Matthew Luke.
Danilo Lim chooses to cast Katyusha Stream on all allies.

Danilo Lim: Brace yourselves for the deadliest implosion, Arroyo retards! Katyusha Stream!

He brings out a remote and pushes its only button, which reveals several miniature Katyusha rockets that are hidden in his metal backpack. The rockets are launched and then rained down on all allies. That attack deals 331 damage to all allies.
Matthew Luke casts Kazuki Sendoh’s Exceed Charge, Doujinshi Realm.

Matthew Luke: There is no limit to what the human mind can do! Party comically! DOUJINSHI REALM!

Random effect: All allies are made invisible for three turns, making them immune to all physical attacks.
Hyacinth chooses to cast Power of Love on all allies. All allies’ HP’s are restored to full.
Jeremy casts his Finishing Move, Containment Punch.

Jeremy: Iniaalay ko ang lahat sa kamaong ito! Hraggh! Containment Punch!

Jeremy powers his BraceThrottle for his finisher and then delivers a single powerful punch to Danilo Lim. That attack deals 4795 damage to Danilo Lim.
James casts his Finishing Move, Chaos Dunk.

James: Sana’y magbago ka na, Kris! I can change the world with this! Chaos Dunk!

James performs Charles Barkley’s dunk that was so powerful that it almost destroyed the world. That attack deals 4664 damage to all enemies and 178 damage to all allies. Danilo Lim is KO’d.

Danilo Lim: Mga kengkoy kayo talaga! Epic failures!

Ya Chang casts his Finishing Move, Kamigawa no Sairin.

Ya Chang: A Japanese heart… a Filipino spirit… shall combine into one evil-destroying force! Hissatsu-waza! Kamigawa no Sairin!

Ya Chang summons powerful spirits from his homeland, as well as friendly spirits native to the Philippines. All of those spirits then migrate to his katana. He readies the katana for one powerful slash, which then decimates one single enemy. That attack deals 4930 damage to Antonio Trillanes IV. Antonio Trillanes IV is KO’d.

Antonio Trillanes IV: Curse you! The Magdalo will still rain hell on Arroyo!

BATTLE WON!

Even after the difficult battle, the Magdalo’s “big three” still has some fight left in them.

Brig. Gen. Danilo Lim, Trillanes: We will not leave here! We will fight ’til the end!
Matthew Luke: Ang titigas pa rin ng mga ulo ninyo… Para kayong mga Ganados na sinabuyan ng Las Plagas.

Meanwhile, outside the lobby, the AFP readies itself for something.

Lt. Col. Juanon: Computer, set status immunity parameters of targets Antonio Trillanes IV, Teofisto Guingona, and Danilo Lim to 0. Plus, set status immunity parameters of everyone else in the area of effect to 100.
Tear gas launcher’s computer voice: Target parameters acknowledged. Tear gas launcher ready for firing.

Lt. Col. Juanon’s computer-powered tear gas launcher is ready to fire. Once he pulls the trigger, a canister of tear gas breaks through the lobby’s window, releasing tear gas that affects only the three targets and no one else.

Once the tear gas fills the lobby…

Teofisto Guingona: Tear gas! Tear gas! Tago sa likod ng media! Dali! Dali!
Brig. Gen. Danilo Lim: Suko na kami! Suko na kami!
Trillanes: You worthless t**ts! Takot pala kayo sa tear gas! Hetong sa inyo!

Trillanes grabs both Guingona’s and Lim’s necks, and then…

Trillanes: Your souls are mine!

He then proceeds to suck both Guingona’s and Lim’s souls out of their bodies, leaving them as lifeless husks.

Trillanes: FATALITY!

The party, which is unaffected by the tear gas, is surprised at Trillanes’ split-second backstabbing. And then, a media person sneaks in to attempt to interview the Magdalo head honcho, who seconds ago pulled a Shang Tsung.

Media Person: Trillanes, bakit susuko ka na?
Trillanes: Ayokong dumanak ang dugo… lalong-lalo na ang dugo ko!
Media Person: Kahit pinatay mo pa yung dalawa mong kasama?
Trillanes: (releases unholy aura) EH ANO NGAYON?!

The media person is understandably scared of the unholy aura Trillanes emanates as a result of his soul sucking. He runs towards the upper lobby.

Hyacinth: We’re disappointed. Horribly disappointed. Akala ng lahat na meron kang ipinaglalaban, pero nagdadaldal ka pala para sa sarili mong interes.
Matthew Luke: Alam mo, sa ibang bansa, ang mga mutineers at seditionists na katulad mo ay pinaparusahan by firing squad, hanging, or other means.
Trillanes: THAT DOESN’T APPLY HERE, MGA BAYARAN NI GLORIA LABANDERA BUTANGERA SUGALERA! ANG AKING NATIONAL TRANSITION COUNCIL ANG MAGIGING DAAN SA PAGIGING SENATOR, INQUISITOR, AT FUTURE PRESIDENT KO! OF COURSE, THE AQUINO-COJUANGCOS WILL BE MY B**CHES!
Hyacinth: You’re really a foxy guy, huh. Kinalimutan mo na ba yung mga natutunan mo sa Philippine Military Academy — courage, integrity, and loyalty?
Trillanes: THEY DON’T MATTER TO ME NOW ANYMORE. BASTA AKO, I WILL BE THE LONE SAVIOR OF THE FILIPINOS AND NO ONE ELSE! NOT EVEN YOU PRETENDERS! JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE!

Afterwards, Trillanes and other Magdalo survivors teleport their way out.

Matthew Luke: Your big mouth will be your downfall, Antonio Trillanes IV.

As the AFP finally enters the Pen after the unexpected escape of the Magdalo Group, Lt. Col. Juanon congratulates the Nueva Liga Filipina.

Lt. Col. Juanon: You have done a great service to our country, Nueva Liga Filipina. Your army is truly worthy of your name.
Matthew Luke: That’s nothing for us to brag about.
Lt. Col. Juanon: From this moment, our strategic alliance is over. But we will fight side-by-side again someday, in the name of our beleaguered country.
Matthew Luke: (salutes) Yes, sir.
Lt. Col. Juanon: You can all go home now. Leave the clearing of the Pen to us.

Everyone involved in the Manila Peninsula siege walks out peacefully as the standoff is finally over after six grueling hours. It was 5:30 pm of November 29, 2007.

That evening, back at Balay Kapatiran’s command center…

Mr. Tulfo: I knew Trillanes would do anything, by hook or by crook, para lang makuha ang gusto niya. Ginamit lang niya ang pangalan ng Magdalo just for his own gain.
Beatriz: Somewhere, he’s planning his next move. But look at all the damage he has done.
Ogie: (Gosh Abelgosh mode) Kung hindi nagkakamali ang mga reports na binigay sa atin ng AFP at PNP, the Manila Pen siege almost collapsed the Philippine economy, racking up 6 billion pesos in losses.
Matthew Luke: That’s horrible. If he would just air his complaints the peaceful way, this pain in the neck wouldn’t happen in the first place.
Hyancith: Tapos, meron pang curfew ngayong gabi! We had to lock down the entire Balay Kapatiran just to comply.
Mr. Tulfo: Tsk, tsk, tsk. That Lelouch Lamperouge wannabe. Meron nga siyang bombolyas, but he doesn’t foresee the consequences of his actions. We had to fix the mess he made!
Matthew Luke: Yes, we may have solved one problem, but another one still bothers us. Those freaking weeaboos… and Kira…

As December 2007 looms, the Nueva Liga Filipina still has to deal with the N3 Collective and to bring back Kira Yamato to his senses.

Stars Introduced So Far

Chichin, the Supressing Star
(Mu Chun, the Lesser One Whom No Obstacle Can Stay)
Ricky Reyes

Chiyou – Magic Star
(Du Qian, the Sky Scraper)
Carmen N. Pedrosa

Chizen – Finished Star
(Du Xing, the Devil Faced)
Atty. Persida Acosta

Chizou – Hoarding Star
(Zhu Fu, Smiling Tiger)
Seo Jang Geum (Jewel in the Palace)

Chiken – Mighty Star
(Yu Bao-si, God of Dangerous Roads)
Willie Nepomuceno

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